I wonder what it is that we chase in life. Now I have long given up trying to extract the meaning of life from the vestiges of words I am left with at the end of long, roller coaster days. Life is, take it or bitch about it. Not that I shall ever stop fighting the bits that it throws at me, just when I am settling down. Just that, once in a while, it feels good to pretend I don't care.
Back to that race. Earlier this evening, I began to wonder what it is that we run after. Money, success, that trip to the mall, access to the metro life. There is a lot in the means to the end category. But I continue to wonder, what is or should be the end? Talking with a colleague, one of the few that I also have as a friend, brought it up. Its easiest to tell my brain to shut up and shut away these disturbing thoughts. Today, I thought I would blurt in out through my remaining words and put it out there, hoping, I know its futile, I won't see them again.
There used to be another life I led. One where I was a lot more 'me' than I am today. I read, I wrote, I stared at the night sky, I attempted poetry, I walked along green fields, rocky paths, winding lanes, dark alleys, climbed mountains, breathed in several breaths of pure air, saw the mist float by, listened to loud silence, heard myself think, did a lot of things. I knew the words of several folk songs, I knew how to sing. My songs came from the heart. I could smell the earth and the distant trees and rustling leaves. I used to laugh, a full hearted laugh.
I gave it all up and today I wonder for what? Is it really worth giving up all that you are for something that someone believes would let you keep a tag of "being successful"? Would it be possible to just run and run and keep running against the wind, possibly the only way I can feel free now? Many questions haunt. The clincher is when you are required to think up also of answers or possible alternatives. At the end of the day, to use a cliche, is it worth it?
I don't want to answer.
4 comments:
Oh.... Deepa.... this is the turmoil I feel so very often. I have a good career in public service, but I sacrifice so much of who I am for it that I wonder what happened to the inspired, creative person I once was.... I struggle to preserve snapshot memories of the way I was....
I hope you are more successful with your work-life-balance than I have been... Peace.
I so know what your saying. Life can be so confusing at times. Hope you find ways to be more You too.
To me, life is all about change. Some are good, some great, some I'd not wish upon anyone!! But change nonetheless. When we saw a bundle picture, appa used to say "you should be glad you saw this, because it helps you appreciate the good movies better"! How true in life as well! I moved here to the US for a "Better life", and now I wonder, was it the right thing? I miss the smell of the air of India. I miss being able to walk around in mava's coffee estates, soaking in that fresh air & delicious peppery coffee bean smell, those winding roads to Madikeri when you wonder if the bus is going to make it past this hill!!! The innocence of it all!
But, those memories are great, and they are what remind me to make it better for my kids, have them enjoy the moment, and always try to make a difference. If, when you wake up in the morning, and you don't feel like "Damn, I hate work, my life, etc.etc." then I suppose it's all good! There is no One answer, each person's answer is different.....
I so know what your saying. I so miss my estates and home and Madikeri, esp the hills and the fresh breath. Every morning I wonder what I am doing here. But then, sometimes, we end up making a change despite not really wanting it in life.
Your right, there is no one answer. And sometimes, you just dont want there to be one.
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