Monday, January 23, 2006

I'm Not a Girl, Very Much a Woman

When I first started this blog nearly seven months ago, I wanted it to be a forum for some of my writing, nothing more, nothing less. I did not intend to write anything personal, about my moods. I never expected to make friends on the web, and I never expected them to become my offline friends too. But increasingly, I have made friends and I have written about my personal life, so much that most of my readers would know about Ginger, about where I travel and about my antics with ma, my mother. As far as I can remember, I have not written about the way I feel everyday, my moods and my tantrums. Possibly, because expressing myself has always been my outlet, the way I unwind, my mantra for de-stressing.

Today I need to de-stress, by cribbing, or rather by talking of disillusionment. If you are the kind who gets bored or depressed with depressing stories, read no further.

When I first joined university, it was the very first time I was staying away from my family and obviously, I was very apprehensive. Ma even thought I would get homesick and quit in a few days, like it had happened long ago (Another story for another day). I grew up protected and pampered to the hilt. But I was very happy here, inspite of missing home. Post graduation studies has given me much more than a degree. The lessons I have learnt here are depressing, no doubt, but of the kind that will help me face the world like a woman. Some of the people I have known here take the cake, with the cherry and the icing, in being of the worst kind you could hope to encounter.

Here are some lessons I learnt here, some that made me a woman from a naive girl:

  • If something can go wrong, it will, multiplied a hundred times.
  • A lot of people, a loooot, cannot stand other people being happy, even if they have to screw up their lives. Sadists!
  • If you thought people could get really low to make your life miserable, they will go further down and you realize that was just the tip of the iceberg of their pettiness.
  • People are never, ever what you think they are like. Whoever said first impressions are right was wrong.
  • Your upbringing shows, so does your breeding, even through your designer labels and polished speech. ("Huttuguna Sutru Hogalla", a Kannada proverb basically meaning old habits won't die even if you burn them). Sorry to sound like a snob!
  • People will do anything, eneeeeething to get what they want.
  • Ill-fitting cheap clothes, gaudy make-up and loud crass talk is NOT sophistication.
  • You need to get exposed to bad behaviour, bad people and horrible situations to come out clean and mature. The polished gold shines better.

I suppose I cannot write more without spilling out the details, I cannot do that, a lot of good people will stand to get hurt. Let us just leave it at that.

I read this post again and it sounds so negative. I am sorry everyone. Its just that I am not in the best of my moods today. Remember Anne Frank's Diary (used to be a kind of Bible for me once)? Towards the end she writes about how she wants to believe in the goodness of people. "Inspite of everything, I still believe people are good", I think she says. I have said the same thing for the past one and a half year. I take it back today. I have lost faith in the goodness of people today(don't worry, it will come back again soon, old habits die hard!). Maybe to expect goodness is naive and stupid in this age.

Just half an hour ago, I told Mahesh just two things. One is that in the end, how your conducted you life is between you and God, it is never between you and 'them'. So be good, be the best you can be. The other thing was that no matter what, you have to keep your dignity with you. If you lose a battle, lose with dignity. At the end of the day, you should be able to look at yourself in the eye and not have to look away.

God, this reads more like my personal diary, one that I used to write in before this blog. Should I publish this? I will. Today, my blog becomes my diary, it is in the true sense my life, my views. And you my privileged readers (if you could get yourself to read upto this line!)

Phew! That did me a lot of good! Hail the power of the typed word!


shakri said...

One of the first things that immediately appealed to me about blogging is the fact that it helps cleanse one's inner being. It helps become much more than just 'I-write-because-I-think-I-can' kind of headstrong attitude's reflection. There comes a point where you no longer blog for others, you do it because you want to bring yourself out and see what you look like in your eyes. I completely agree with you on all the points you have jotted and what makes it funny is that they are all true. If blogging can make us look at truth and acknowledge it's presence, then hailing the typing word is quite possibly the only hail that makes sense in this world.

Keep writing. Keep hailing.


Deepa said...

thanks Shakri. i totally agree with you. earlier, i wanted people to read my blog and post nice comments. i still like it when people interact but it is more of me now

Leya said...

its not negative deepa, just the truth.and you do write well. thank you for leaving your comments.