Now is one of those now rare times when I just have to write. I am not sure of what. But I had just watched a lovely movie and was about to slip into bed when I was seized by this overwhelming urge to write...something. Just before I logged into Blogger to start typing whatever that my fingers fancied, I happened to read some of my really old posts, back from the college days. That brought back a lot of memories.
Back at university, in the little university village of Konaje where my hostel was, there was just one cyber centre for some 400 girls and some 200 boys! Now when I think of it, it sounds crazy to think how we managed. But then, also to come to think of it, those were the days when we were not slaves of the internet lord and actually had the time to take long walks, talk till 3 am in the morning and stare out at the sky from the little window grills up on the terrace of the hostel. Now that cyber centre was where we had to do all our research, type our reports and every other business that we had. We the communications students (for many reasons, much envied by the rest) did have access to the internet in the department but the cyber centre was where I also blogged almost every day.
I read through some of the old posts that I had written there. The writing sounds childish almost, as I am sure this too will in another half a decade's time. Those I remember were the heady days of idealism and the heady days of work and writing, however silly, it was a time of great passions. We were set out to do something with ourselves back then. Sigh, I wish not to write about the 'good ol' days', I have no strength to deal with nostalgia at the moment.
Reading back from some of the archives also got me thinking of the title of this blog. My Life, My Rules, four words that have been thrown back at me, a sentiment that has had me being dragged in the mud of dirty fights and terrible accusations. Yes, I am opening up slowly to talk about certain things. And no, I honestly don't remember why I chose that title when I first started this blog over five years ago.
I believe I have written this before, that when I started this blog, I did not expect it to go on this long. It was a new thing that I had read about some place and thought would be nice to try. I don't think I even expected people to read any of this either. I assume people read it now, though apart from a known set of friends and family, I can't say who they might be. Maybe it was the semi-rebellion phase back then that made me choose the title, I can't say.
There have been innumerable times when I wanted to change it, one because it continues to sound a little school girlish to me and two, the most important, because people that I loved have used it as ammunition in some of the worst ways possible. I hated that. And it hurt a lot, still does. As any writer worth a word would tell you, sometimes there is an urge to write that you can't ignore. When you have a space like a personal blog, you use it to experiment with your words, write about things that affected you in a certain way, inspired you. In that sense, yes, it is my life, this blog; I write things that happen in my life. I do try to live by my rules but as I grow older and hopefully, wiser, I know that it is not always possible to have your own way. It is a notion, an idea that sprung up from a thought a long time ago under levels of maturity then. It is for the semblance of the existence of this notion that perhaps I still have the title up.
Maybe this whole thing of the title being made such a huge fuss about has affected me more than I thought it had. But you know what, this is my space and I refuse to apologize anymore for what there is in here and for who I am. I think I am done doing that. In the film 'August Rush' there is a line about how you never give up on your music, because anything bad happens to you, it's the one place you escape to and let go. I have said this before and I say it again, writing is that to me. I refuse to make excuses anymore for it. If that should be a problem, well, you could jolly well....well, go wild guessing what! ;-)
The gorgeous Marilyn Monroe said, "....if you can't handle me at my worst, then you jolly well don't deserve me at my best." I love that. So I do suppose these are my rules.
And I think I just broke open another window in my head. Guess this new year is being good for my, might I say, gumption.