I wonder what it is that we chase in life. Now I have long given up trying to extract the meaning of life from the vestiges of words I am left with at the end of long, roller coaster days. Life is, take it or bitch about it. Not that I shall ever stop fighting the bits that it throws at me, just when I am settling down. Just that, once in a while, it feels good to pretend I don't care.
Back to that race. Earlier this evening, I began to wonder what it is that we run after. Money, success, that trip to the mall, access to the metro life. There is a lot in the means to the end category. But I continue to wonder, what is or should be the end? Talking with a colleague, one of the few that I also have as a friend, brought it up. Its easiest to tell my brain to shut up and shut away these disturbing thoughts. Today, I thought I would blurt in out through my remaining words and put it out there, hoping, I know its futile, I won't see them again.
There used to be another life I led. One where I was a lot more 'me' than I am today. I read, I wrote, I stared at the night sky, I attempted poetry, I walked along green fields, rocky paths, winding lanes, dark alleys, climbed mountains, breathed in several breaths of pure air, saw the mist float by, listened to loud silence, heard myself think, did a lot of things. I knew the words of several folk songs, I knew how to sing. My songs came from the heart. I could smell the earth and the distant trees and rustling leaves. I used to laugh, a full hearted laugh.
I gave it all up and today I wonder for what? Is it really worth giving up all that you are for something that someone believes would let you keep a tag of "being successful"? Would it be possible to just run and run and keep running against the wind, possibly the only way I can feel free now? Many questions haunt. The clincher is when you are required to think up also of answers or possible alternatives. At the end of the day, to use a cliche, is it worth it?
I don't want to answer.